[princeton: say, kate, can i ask you a question? kate monster: sure! princeton: well, you know trekkie monster upstairs? kate monster: uh-huh.princeton: well, he’s trekkie monster, and you’re kate monster.kate monster: right.princeton: you’re both monsters.kate monster: yeah.princeton: are you two related? kate monster: what?! princeton, i’m surprised at you! i find that racist! princeton: oh, well, i’m sorry! i was just asking! kate monster: well, it’s a touchy subject. no, not all monsters are related. what are you trying say, huh? that we all look the same to you? huh, huh, huh? princeton: no, no, no, not at all. i’m sorry, i guess that was a little racist.kate monster: i should say so. you should be much more careful when you’re talking about the sensitive subject of race.princeton: well, look who’s talking! kate monster: what do you mean? princeton: what about that special monster school you told me about? kate monster: what about it? princeton: well, could someone like me go there? kate monster: no, we don’t want people like you—princeton: ha ha! you see?!]
you’re a little bit racist
[kate monster:] well, you’re a little bit too
[princeton:] i guess we’re both a little bit racist
[kate monster:] admitting it is not an easy thing to do…
[princeton:] but i guess it’s true
[kate monster:] between me and you, i think…
[both:] everyone’s a little bit racist sometimes
doesn’t mean we go around committing hate crimes
look around and you will find
no one’s really colorblind
maybe it’s a fact we all should face:
everyone makes judgments based on race
[princeton: now not big judgments, like who to hire or who to buy a newspaper from—kate monster: no! princeton: no, just little judgments like thinking that mexican busboys should learn to speak godd*mn english! kate monster: right! both:] everyone’s a little bit racist today
so, everyone’s a little bit racist, okay!
ethinic jokes might be uncouth
but you laugh because they’re based on truth
don’t take them as personal attacks
everyone enjoys them—so relax!
[princeton: all right, stop me if you’ve heard this one.kate monster: okay! princeton: alright, there’s a plan going down and there’s only one paracute. and there’s a rabbi, a priest… kate monster: and a black guy! gary coleman: whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, kate? kate monster: uh… gary coleman: you were telling a black joke! princeton: well, sure, gary, but lots of people tell black jokes.gary coleman: i don’t.princeton: well, of course you don’t—you’re black! but i bet you tell polack jokes, right? gary coleman: well, sure i do. those stupid polacks! princeton: now, don’t you think that’s a little racist? gary coleman: well, d*mn, i guess you’re right.kate monster:] you’re a little bit racist
[gary coleman:] well, you’re a little bit too
[princeton:] we’re all a little bit racist
[gary coleman:] i think that i would have to agree with you
[princeton/kate monster:] we’re glad you do
[gary coleman:] it’s sad but true!
everyone’s a little bit racist
[kate monster:] all right!
[princeton:] all right!
[gary coleman:] all right!
bigotry has never been exclusively white
[all:] if we all could just admit
that we are racist a little bit
even though we all know that it’s wrong
maybe it would help us get along
[princeton: oh, christ, do i feel good.gary coleman: now there was a fine upstanding black man! princeton: who? gary coleman: jesus christ.kate monster: but, gary, jesus was white.gary coleman: no, jesus was black.kate monster: no, jesus was white.gary coleman: no, i’m pretty sure that jesus was black—princeton: guys, guys… jesus was jewish! brian: hey guys, what are you laughing about? gary coleman: racism! brian: cool.christmas eve: brian! come back here! you take out lecycuraburs! princeton: what’s that mean? brian: um, recyclables. hey, don’t laugh at her! how many languages do you speak? kate monster: oh, come off it, brian!]
everyone’s a little bit racist.
[brian:] i’m not!
[princeton:] oh no?
how many oriental wives have you got?
[christmas eve: what? brian!]
[princeton:] brian, buddy, where you been?
the term is asian-american!
[christmas eve:] i know you are no intending to be
but calling me oriental—offensive to me!
[brian: i’m sorry, honey, i love you.christmas eve: and i love you.brian: but you’re racist, too.christmas eve: yes, i know.]
the jews have all the money
and the whites have all the power
and i’m always in taxi-cab with driver who no shower!
[princeton: me too! kate monster: me too! gary coleman: i can’t even get a taxi!]
[all:] everyone’s a little bit racist, it’s true
but everyone is just about as racist as you!
if we all could just admit
that we are racist a little bit
and everyone stopped being so pc
maybe we could live in—harmony!
[christmas eve: evlyone’s a ritter bit lacist!]