lirik lagu how do you tell a witch – monty python
first villager
we have found a witch. may we burn her?
all
a witch! burn her!
bedevere
how do you know she is a witch?
all
she looks like one. yes, she does.
bedevere
bring her forward.
they bring her forward – a beautiful young girl (miss
islington) dressed up
as a witch.
witch
i am not a witch. i am not a witch.
bedevere
but you are dressed as one
witch
they dressed me up like this.
all
we didn’t, we didn’t!
witch
this is not my nose, it is a false one.
bedevere takes her nose off.
bedevere
well?
first villager
… well, we did do the nose.
bedevere
the nose?
first villager
and the hat. but she is a witch.
all
a witch, a witch, burn her!
bedevere
did you dress her up like this?
first villager
… um … yes … no … a bit … yes… she has got
a wart.
bedevere
why do you think she is a witch?
second villager
she turned me into a newt.
bedevere
a newt?
second villager
(after looking at himself for some time)
i got better.
all
burn her anyway.
bedevere
quiet! quiet! there are ways of telling whether she is
a witch.
arthur and patsy ride up at this point and watch what
follows with interest
all
there are? tell up. what are they, wise sir bedevere?
bedevere
tell me … what do you do with witches?
all
burn them.
bedevere
and what do you burn, apart from witches?
fourth villager
… wood?
bedevere
so why do witches burn?
second village
(pianissimo)
… because they’re made of wood…?
bedevere
good.
peasants stir uneasily then come round to this
conclusion.
all
i see. yes, of course.
bedevere
so how can we tell if she is made of wood?
first villager
make a bridge out of her.
bedevere
ah … but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
all
ah. yes, of course … um … err …
bedevere
does wood sink in water?
all
no, no, it floats. throw her in the pond tie weights on
her. to the pond.
bedevere
wait. wait … tell me, what also floats on water?
all
bread? no, no, no. apples …. gravy … very small
rocks …
arthur
a duck.
they all turn and look at arthur. bedevere looks up
very impressed.
bedevere
exactly. so… logically …
first villager
(beginning to pick up the thread)
if she … weighs the same as a duck … she’s made of
wood.
bedevere
and therefore?
all
a witch! … a duck! a duck! fetch a duck.
fourth villager
here is a duck, sir bedevere.
bedevere
we shall use my largest scales.
he leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption
indeed, made of wood and rope and leather. they put the
girl in one pan and the duck
in another. each pan is supported by a wooden stave.
bedevere checks each pan then … arthur looks on with
interest.
bedevere
remove the supports.
two peasants knock them away with sledge hammers. the
girl and the duck swing slightly but balance perfectly.
all
a witch! a witch!
witch
it’s a fair cop.
all
burn her! burn her! let’s make her into a ladder.
the villagers drag the girl away, leaving arthur and
bedevere regarding each other admiringly.
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