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lirik lagu reflection – samad savage

[verse 1]
i know it’s past visiting hours
but can i please give him these flowers
i could have but moved like a coward
consumed by all my pride while my ego devoured
i just wanted know you since moms baby shower
i know that life’s short like a jump from a tower
but when u looking up at the top seems like a long way
cause a crawl is way harder than a fall always
anyway how’s your day?
i know that you can’t answer
see what you didn’t know is bro told me you have cancer
but see he only told me that it was in an early stage
i waited for you to call me while hoping that all this rage
that’s living inside my heart would be like an old page
moving to the chapter after where we cool at old age
cause no wants to carry this feeling to no grave
or resort to escaping from nose full of cocaine
well now i get speak and you can finally listen
to the things that you did that i have never forgiven
and i know your in a coma, but no way i’m forgetting
like remember that 1 time you brought bagels to the kitchen
then you saw me spread the jelly so then you chose to hit it
out of my hand and to the floor it landed there in my vision
you told me that you raising a son, not no d-mn b-tches
wait, but did you stop to think
that i’m not g-y i’m just different
and i got a feminine side, because my mom’s who i lived with
every time your hyper masculinity is inflicted
your initiating h-m-phobia into my spirit
but see i’m strong minded and learned to love myself
and since i know how bullying felt, i can’t mistreat no one else
d-mn, another life lessoned that you helped
it ain’t fair that every single f-cking thing that you have dealt
is literally who i am
somehow subconsciously teaching me how to be a man
f-ck it, your still wrong and i will never give a d-mn
d-mn, you don’t deserve to see me cry, got to block my face with my hand
and it don’t matter that your dying, dad, i don’t care
and even if my siblings crying bad, i don’t care
and even if my hatred drives you mad, but i don’t care
no i don’t care, but sh-t i must if i’m right here
i’m honestly trying to find out if it is worth it
do i go back on my purpose?
this pettiness i give, have you earned it?
and am letting down fans if they ever heard this?
na, i gotta speak my mind
and sh-t when i was younger wish i did the all time
cause i should have let u known how i felt before you were dying
and my brother said to call and my response was me sighing
telling him that i don’t care not sure if i was lying
thinking i can solve my issues with producing and more writing
and i’m bowing down to god pleading while crying
hoping that my selfishness, don’t be the reason that i’m frying
(beep beep beep) holy sh-t please keep on fighting, there’s so much i have to say
and trust me i have been trying
there’s nurses pulling me out
my entree they are denying
while my brothers and my sisters are emotionally supplying
signals showing their relying on all of these doctors tying
the metaphorical words to define a life’s untwining
his last hope at life and then they come out implying
that it’s over, and he’s gone and wasn’t worth all the fighting

sh-t!this isn’t fair, this isn’t f-cking fair, you can’t leave me again! you always f-cking leave me! i hate you, i hate you! i swear i hate you, i love you, please don’t leave god why!

[phone call]
aziz: “yo i think abbah might have cancer, you may wanna call him”
me: “i was waiting on him to call me but f-ck it man, he’s just as stubborn as my mom, and i’m just as stubborn as both my parents are. i’ll call him now, aight asalamu alakim”
aziz: “walakim asalam”

[narroration]
that right there was the moment that had changed my life and i learned more about my father than i have ever known. i had a two hour conversation with him discussing my past, man to man, explaining the wrong that was done to me to make him understand and eventually found out that in conversation he related just with a worst childhood. he explained to me that when i moved with him for those 3 years at 13 that when my mom dropped me off and even throughout my childhood, my mom depicted me as a monster. i had a p-rn issue at 14 like any other boy at that age, but long story short, i did something i regret til this day and showed my little brother p-rn because i was a lil kid just putting my bro up on what i thought was cool and the manly thing to watch. not understanding the issues of that because i didn’t have a true man in my life to teach me that that kind of stuff can scar a young man
i pray everyday god forgives me for that mistake as an adolescent, but anyhow when i got to my fathers house, a house of 2 younger sisters and 1 other younger brother closer to age of me. my father didn’t know how to handle me. not knowing any of the good of me at all he felt he needed to make me s-xually absent minded, de feminized and athletic, but since he didn’t know me well and i only had 4 more years until adult he gave me a crash corse of uncalled for extreme parenting. throughout these 3 years i had unbelievable punishment over mostly misunderstanding of intentions in actions i made. at that 2 year mark i ran away from after being beat for something i didn’t do. with a few minor local buses, i walked from tobyhanna pennsylvania to montclair nj
after that situation, my grandmother alarmed my mother of what i was going through although legally i was in my father’s custody so i had to go back for another 2 weeks. i planned escape with my mom and left. stopped talking to him for years other than occasional awkward occurrences
eventually to make an already super long story a bit shorter, my brother called me to tell me my father may have cancer. current day, a couple days after that 2 hour convo, i found out it was just a lump in his chest from over working out. thank god
i also found out, that he wasn’t the man i thought and now think to myself, if my father was the only outlet of a description of my mom how much would i like her? less for sure (chuckle). the point is, don’t wait until it’s to late to talk to someone. even if you feel at one point that they are your enemy. give someone a chance to explain before you decide to never forgive them. trust me, it’s put ease on your conscious. if i would have had this conversation long ago. i wouldn’t have had all those anxiety attacks and dark thoughts due to false outlets. such as my hobbies, for once i feel free. free of guilt. free of ego. free of ignorance. thank you god for letting me have the chance to truly reflect on my past before it was too late

- samad savage

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