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barbed wire canoe - arseless chaps lyrics

[chorus: damian cowell]
now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now
now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now
now*now now*now*now
barbed wire canoe

now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now
now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now
now*now now*now*now
barbed wire canoe

[verse 1: tony martin]
who needs a nickname when your real name is james bond?
there was a james bond at my school three years behind me
that means he was born in about 1967
that means his parents, unless they’d been living in a cave, would have known exactly what they were doing, sentencing him to a lifetime of h*ll
and at no time would the flames be hotter than during that first year of high school
from the moment he stepped off the bus for day one of form three, james bond was f*cked

[chorus: damian cowell]
now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now
now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now
now*now now*now*now
barbed wire canoe

[verse 2: tony martin]
there were the obvious jokes
at lunchtime he was, of course, both shaken and stirred
and needless to say the title “goldfinger” afforded many an opportunity for creative toilet humour
all fairly predictable i suppose, but the finest and most creative moments came courtesy of monty norman’s famous james bond theme
it seemed everyone in the school could do it, and the familiar stings would accompany almost any action or movement from bond, particularly during phys ed or at the pool
if he happened to walk past a class waiting in a corridor, the entire line would break into the legendary guitar motif
[chorus: damian cowell]
now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now
now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now
now*now now*now*now
barbed wire canoe

now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now
now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now
now*now now*now*now
barbed wire canoe

[verse 3: tony martin]
one of the best nicknames i ever heard belonged to a gentleman i once worked with who, despite being universally loved, had absolutely no chin
he was known, although never to his face, such that it was, as tontine
after several weeks, someone finally explained it to me
without a chin, it’s very difficult to fit a pillowcase
that level of craftsmanship was never in evidence at any of my schools

[bridge: damian cowell]
barbed wire canoe
barbed wire canoe
barbed wire canoe

barbed wire canoe
barbed wire canoe
barbed wire canoe
barbed wire canoe
barbed wire canoe
barbed wire canoe

[chorus: damian cowell]
now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now
now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now
now*now now*now*now
barbed wire canoe

now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now
now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now*now
now*now now*now*now
barbed wire canoe

[outro: tony martin]
at one school there was a french*canadian boy by the name of brendan canut, spelt c*a*n*u*t
canut was actually pr*nounced canoe, but everyone insisted on calling him k*nut
my friend kelly dwyer had a sister called barbara
and i pointed out that if she married brendan canut
her name would be
barb dwyer*canut

- arseless chaps lyrics

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