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010 - a white surveillance van - bull of heaven lyrics

i don’t have much time left
so uh
i’m gonna*
i don’t think i can*
i*
there is no chance of me getting out
some voice on the phone said
“now that you feel safe and sound, the nightmare has just begun”
which is kind of funny because i don’t feel safe and sound
and the nightmares been going on all along
so, obviously they don’t know what they’re doing
not really sure if um, k!lling myself is the answer because it’s die by their hand or die by my own at this point
there’s no way out
my emails are falling upon deaf ears
haven’t heard anything back from uh
my only way out and uh
i don’t think i can makе a run to the border if the bordеrs even where they say it is
i’m uh, i’m a dead man, so
i don’t even have anybody that i really want to say goodbye to cause it’s everybody [?] did this to me
so um
i’d like to say you know
that i’m angry, but i’m really not i’m just
tired
just waiting for them to come over to my house and put a bullet in back of my head
don’t really, care
there’s nothing i can really do they’re gonna*
all my writing is for nothing
n0body’s ever gonna see it, n0body’s ever gonna hear it [?]
nothing
even if i did finish writing it doesn’t matter they’re just gonna delete it all
anyways uh
i used to say i’m trying to stay positive, but there’s no positivity in this
gonna die
here
alone
and uh
everybody watching
they’re always watching
not you, but you know
you know
you know it’s like uh
nothing really matters
and uh
i’m not gonna survive
n0body survives but this way i’m gonna go out is pretty bad
it’s one path they’re gonna throw me to the dogs, the institution, or they’re just gonna let the dogs loose on me
who let the dogs out
i hate dogs
that’s what they’re gonna do
they’re gonna k!ll me
or they’re gonna destroy my car
my one last worldly possession that matters
it’s okay
constantly overheats and crashes, but
and i don’t even*
can’t even do this
i uh
i’m tired more than anything
and whoever you know*
i know they’re watching and listening to this probably laughing their asses off in the back of a white surveillance van

[unintelligible]

culture, the whole thing is that culture and language tend to become traps and yet they can be the platforms for enormous freedom, if you understand what it’s all about and what it’s all about is you
you are the center of the monolith
you are not marginalized in any way
and the message that the culture gives us is that we are marginal
it doesn’t matter whether you have a hundred million dollars, the fortune magazine will inform you that so do 10 thousand other people on the north american continent, there’s nothing special about you, it’s*
so we are consistently*
this is part of the democratic legacy
we are constantly told, “you are not special”
“special” isn’t special
anybody could do it
what the psychedelic*
so then, when you look for guidance, direction, mentorship, we always look towards institution
we’ll all go to the university
or all go to the army
or all do something
somebody will tell me
will give me a large purpose
but, it’s really yourself that is uh, the final arbitrator, and if you keep yourself as the final arbitrator, you will be less susceptible to infection by cultural delusion
now, the problem with this is that it makes you feel bad to not be infected by cultural delusion, because it’s called alienation
you know
but this is [?]
i can’t solve all problems
the reason we feel alienated is because the society is infantile, trivial, and stupid
so the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation
you come to this realization
you know
what will it be alienated cynical intellectual or slack*jawed half*whipped consumer of the horsesh*t being handed down from on high
[unintelligible]

- bull of heaven lyrics

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