my precious gems - konstantinos kourentzes lyrics
a drow priestess with tits like moon goddesses appeared!
asked for “help” while fondling her whip—i should’ve feared!
she leaned in close, smelled like darkness and sin!
now my gems are gone and i’ve got a suspicious rash on my chin!
she whispered sweetly~ “show me your stones~”
he thought she meant~ geology~
she did mean geology! …right?! oh f*ck, did she?!
the drow priestess stole my gems!
(and possibly fingered my assh0l* while i slept!)
my seventeen perfect rubies!
(i woke up sticky! that’s not sweat!)
she had eight legs—wait, no—eight fingers!
(or was it a spider?! the memory lingers!)
perhaps you’re just~ a h*rny fool~
who hid your gems~ while fantasizing by the pool~
she asked if i lived alone! classic seduction tactic!
then touched my beard and called it “adequate”—i got f*cking erratic!
i showed her my gem collection! (stupid! stupid!)
she stroked a ruby slowly—i think i came! (wait, is that connected?!)
the facts:
her cleavage defied physics! (magical push*up bra!)
she l!cked her lips seventeen times! (i counted!)
she asked to see my “deepest shaft”—i thought she meant the mine!
did we f*ck?! i can’t remember!
my pants were inside*out the next morning!
inside. out
oh foolish dwarf~ with gem obsession~
perhaps you had~ a wet confession~
your rubies sleep~ where you left them~
in your “special sock”~ the one with questionable phlegm~
i’ve checked my bedroom! (she was definitely here!)
found black lace! (or is it a cobweb?! unclear!)
my bed smells like… exotic spices!
(or mildew… f*ck… when did i last clean my mattress?!)
she touched your shoulder~ you nearly fainted~
your beard got hard~ (is that how beards work? complicated~)
the drow priestess stole my gems!
(or did i hide them in my r*ct*m for “safekeeping”?!)
she had a whip and leather boots!
(my safe word was “sapphire”—why do i remember that?!)
i think she tied me up with spider silk!
(or were those my own bedsheets?! i’m drinking milk!)
my ass hurts! that’s evidence!
(or hemorrhoids… i’m fifty*seven…)
my therapist says i’m “projecting s*xual frustration”!
but what does he know?! he’s an elf! knife*eared quack!
i found a hair! it’s white! drow confirmation!
(wait… that’s from my own ass crack…)
evidence suggests:
* possible intercourse (or really good dream)
* seventeen rubies gone (or in the cookie jar where drunk*me hides them)
* mysterious wetness on pillow (drool or… worse?!)
* she called me “handsome” (n0body does that! mind control!)
* i have a tattoo now that says “lolth’s b*tch”
(actually it says “mom” but the font is suspicious!)
the priestess was~ a prostitute~
named “brandy” from~ the tavern~
you paid her~ fifty gold~
to cosplay~ from your cavern~
what?! no! that can’t be—
wait… brandy does have dark hair…
and i *was* at the tavern…
and there *was* a costume sale…
f*ck! the gems are in the nightstand!
so… i paid someone to steal my own gems…
while possibly… engaging in… light bondage…
and then… forgot… all of it…
the rubies are~ where they’ve always been~
in your special box~ of shame~
next to your~ ill*strated books~
of “drow anatomy”~ (for shame~)
…i should call brandy again…
she really sold the part…
and i still can’t find three of the rubies…
maybe she does have them…
round two?
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