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dirty heaven - maeve noiré lyrics

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heaven was supposed to be clean
holy
white
quiet
a place where the storms i came from
finally ran out of thunder

but every time i get close to the “light,”
it feels like a trick room
with mirrors that bend my reflection
into shapes i don’t recognize

people talk about healing
like it’s warm water and soft hands—
but mine feels like scr*ping
old bruises
to see if they still hurt
(they do.)

i keep trying to polish my past
like a rusted trophy
pretending i earned every scar
when really they were handed to me
without my permission

and when someone loves me—
really loves me—
i flinch
don’t mean to
it’s just that “gentle” looks a lot like
the moment before someone snaps
i know how to survive h*ll
i don’t know how to stay still
in anything that looks like heaven

so i dirty it
touch it with the same hands
that held childhood fear like a rosary
i stain the white
i break the fragile
i run from the softness
because softness feels like a setup

there’s a version of me
that wants to collapse into comfort
wants to believe good things aren’t traps
wants to let someone hold the parts of me
i’ve kept locked behind ribcage doors

but the other version—
the one raised on chaos
the one who learned love by bracing for impact—
keeps whispering:
“you don’t get heaven
you ruin heaven.”

and maybe that’s what this is—
not a place
but a battle between the parts of me
that crave a gentler life
and the parts convinced
i don’t deserve one
dirty heaven
the closest i get to peace
is the mess i leave behind
while trying to chase it

but i’m trying—
god, i’m trying—
to believe a broken person
can still be welcomed
in a place made of light

even if i drag
a little bit of darkness
with me

- maeve noire lyrics

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