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opening statement - nbill lyrics

[part i]
i was born in a hallway no one walks down
where the wallpaper peels like old conversations
and the lights fl!cker not out of fear, but habit
i learned silence before speech
and now i speak in metaphors no one answers
they told me the world was a table
but every chair i sat in broke beneath me
i fed myself with glances and static
chewed the air when dinner came
i never liked the taste of being expected
my mother said “you’ve got to eat”
but she didn’t mean food
she meant the way you’re supposed to swallow
the world’s blueprint for your bones
i spat it out in poems she never read
and i tried to be a someone
but “someone” wore shoes i couldn’t walk in
laced too tight with gendered intentions
that blistered the edges of my breath
they said “man up”
but i was more wind than stone

[part ii]
i planted truths in glass soil
and wondered why they didn’t grow
people passed and smiled like gardeners
snipping pieces of me for decoration
“too soft, too sharp, too strange”
they said cutting my colors to match their palette
do you know what it’s like
to crave intimacy and run from it at the same time?
to want someone to hold you
but only if they don’t see too much?
i left my heart on a windowsill
but taped the blinds shut
i talked in spirals
so they called me difficult
but my thoughts were just stars
trying to form constellations
in a world that only sees dots
[part iii]
i once mistook reflection for recognition
but the mirror only nodded, never listened
i danced in front of it naked with my shame
hoping it might name me something holy
but all it gave me back was
a paper silhouette, shivering in the heat
they made me think being hard to love
meant i wasn’t worth the effort
but i was just layered
a cathedral built backwards
stained glass on the inside
only visible if you lived in me
and oh, they tried to move in
hung pictures on walls they never cleaned
touched my skin like it was wallpaper
and not a wound learning to breathe
they didn’t see me
only their own shadows, stretched across my floor
so i locked the doors and swallowed the keys
fell asleep to the hum of unfinished thoughts
and in my dream i finally screamed
but the echo apologized
always me who ends up sorry
but not this time
not anymore
[part iv]
i am not a puzzle
i am the table they build puzzles on
solid, old, and quietly holding chaos
i am not a question mark
i’m the sentence that never needed one
there are cities inside me no map can reach
rooms i never lived in because they were too loud
with other people’s expectations
but i’m redecorating now
with walls that echo only my voice
and curtains that dance to music i like
my mouth is not a grave anymore
it’s a garden with t**th
and my body is not broken
it’s a language you never learned to speak
i will not explain myself in words
you made just to contain me
i am a flood dressed like a person
i am survival without applause
i am the one who never fit
because i was never supposed to
and maybe they’ll write books about me
the kid who starved on purpose
but fed the world his truth
the one who never fit a label
but made one feel like poetry
i’m still walking the hallway
but now i hum when i do
and the wallpaper peels
to reveal murals i painted
with every part of me
they tried to erase
[part v]
burn the blueprints
burn the blueprints
burn the blueprints
burn the blueprints
they never fit me anyway
burn the blueprints
they never asked me anyway
burn the blueprints
let it all collapse in flame
burn the blueprints
i’ll build it back in my own name
burn the blueprints!
burn the blueprints!
burn the blueprints!
and dance in the smoke
don’t look back
you were never wrong to want more
they called it ruin
i call it rebirth

- nbill lyrics

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