(feat. mc frontalot and jonathan coulton)
og original gamer
sad as “face of a stranger”
dad found me on the steps of the video arcade
oprhan baby in a basket, seven pounds is all i weighed
and before i learned to walk well i’d mastered donkey kong
q-bert, final fight, master blaster, and pong
blindfolded – okay yeah i know it sounds adorable
but dollars signs in pop’s eyes grew creepy and deplorable
play by the noises, follow the ding boing…
but i can walk the dog and do my homework? “no you’re not allowed”
first, collect coins!
kid, didn’t i find you with a controller in hand?
now why do you got to go and bring shame to your old man?
same to your old fans; you were a child prodigy
up on a milk crate at the cabinet, making cottage cheese
out of anybody’d put a quarter on screen.
my pride in you, extended like the limbs of dhalsim.
all green money motives must a back seat take!
put the textbooks down, i’m trying to make you great
locked in the i was drilled from the crib to the stroller
i messed up he’d beat me senseless with the nes controller
kid listen i promise, it’s for your own good.
wits that you’ve shown: should you level up? it’s understood!
i hadn’t seen the sun since ’98 like sega saturn
i’ve been learning ten-hit combos and the speed run patterns
more play, less chatter. you’re a champion, kid.
under your mattress there had better be some cartridges hid.
up up down down left right left right b a – mad scary
it’s clockwork orange meets ray bradbury
it’s unnecessary to struggle; you’re fated to win,
but till you beat bowser, you stay strapped in.
i want to live a fun life, i’ve only seen the sun twice
i want want real friends dad, nintendogs won’t suffice
why do you ask for nothing when the world could be yours.
flesh-and-blood fun’s fleeting. seek eternal high scores.
i want to go to school and clean my room
i don’t want to sit here playing doom
3 can’t you see i need to go out and play yo
real sports like baseball, i’m sick of halo
then you’re sick of the meaning of life — at your age!
better try a little harder, you want to clear that stage
and step into the middle of an existence examined.
do it, or you’re grounded: make you play backgammon.
here’s a list of things that i’d rather do
than sitting home playing super smash brothers with you
eat peas, do the dishes, walk the dog, mow the lawn
take your wii and shove it, pops, i’m off you, i’m gone.. peace!
don’t joust with me kid, i’ll go berzerk.
after all of your talent, all of my hard work,
all the winnings that you earn, your celebrity too,
you want to put us on the streets, like the tv movies do!