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self-identity - polyana (usa) lyrics

(i feel like…i feel like i don’t recognize myself in the mirror)
(but it’s just kind of, like, i just, i*it*it’s hard to describe it)
(i’m like floating right behind the body, you know, like, from like a, like a, a chair or something)
(or, not like a chair, but like, like a, i guess like in the same position as the body, just like*)
(i feel like, i’m offset mentally, and like, um, my voice feels and sounds weird to me)
(i don’t know, everything just feels really strange, but i don’t really like…)

seeking out forgiveness, f*ck the tears, it’s in my own hands
originally focused all my energy to play a slow dance
an expert, dodging every hint at something worth a closer glance
so i could feign my ignorance, continuing a sickness
formed an angry characteristic, blaming everything i see
on past friends and associates, it never could be me
my impulses and manners, try to cover insecurity
i’ll f*ckin’ burn that mask and walk the path i always preach
’cause i couldn’t even think before my limbs walked on ahead of me
that place felt out of bounds until i forced my way through, endlessly
my other brain warns, “stop!”, their yells turn into echoes
seeing red, i keep on walking, all’s foggy as i let go
i enter an abandoned home, deserted, except one alone
i speak it’s name, and “bunnymouth” arises from the shadows
a shadow of myself, and yet a self reflecting mirror
it finally asks a question i was running from for years

“the person who we are, no longer see it in ourselves
trips to the mirror highlight costumes that you wear as someone else
you repress the ‘i’ who feels, in place of anger towards the outside
the mask expires, faked affection turns to paranoia
this denial is a loop, a never*ending state of sorrow
if you don’t address the now, this problem stays until tomorrow
form a new mask by the month, because you always feel uncomfortable
so shatter through the glass, to reach the other side you need to f*cking*”
(i feel like…)
(i just feel empty)
(i just** i*)
(i feel like sh*t!)

the girl i used to be is seen in old soliloquies
alone inside my bedroom seen adrift with who she wants to be
looking in the mirror at 10 and found her new identity
but when she went to class, she went and tucked it down, her secret dream
‘what if’s’ plagued her mind of if she ended up with better luck
or better hair, or better off with all the friends she wants to see
every morning, waking up, she wanted a real family
so after school she’d take along an offer from a girl she’d meet
weekends spent away from home, she’d made a group of friends
she’d kept a lie along since she turned 12 and passed another gender
girl told everyone she met that she was born as someone feminine
in s*x, and somehow passed, as she was seen as her reflection
borrowed dresses weekly, told my mom, she’d let me take ’em
texts at 10 p.m. from mom telling me “it’s late!” again
“get your bike home and sleep, wake up for school”
my head is lagging lately, splitting definition ‘home’

self identify the person that i was to meet the present
my past tense failed me, all i wanted was respect
uh, my mask was made out of a passion
and now i speak in tongues to keep in line with that old fashion
self identify the bleeding, sheltered little sh*ll
i look into the mirror, sh*t, i see we both need help
uh*uh, uh*uh, i want to heal a little faster
but in the end the way we were requires that time and patience
what’s your real name?
it’s engraved in everything you say, the sh*t you made
we see it clearly, what is hiding through the nicknames
tell me, who is listening when you aren’t saying anything
uh*uh, uh*uh, it’s not that legal name
it’s something deeper, something waiting for a time to sing
for so long it’s been here, now you don’t have to wait
no, it’s so real, it’s all you and now you’re here to stay
fast forward three years and i’m blind
i told the old friends my secret, and they cut me off big time
apparently the genitals i have are important
and the way that i was born was worth a slam of the door
i sunk real deep into the pc, met a group who hurt me deeply
i lied about my age, numbers that ended in a tragedy
i met the man who f*cked my childhood, turned into a hole in me
most importantly i met the girl who went and changed me
listened to her album one night, knew my trajectory
lyra showed me everything, but we were still in late teens
and everything we did was immature, held back by old things
that told us that we had to be a person we weren’t meant to be
i nearly wrote a song and closed the book on my life
in 2021, until i met kaan at the right time
homie called me and told me that my heart is my lifeline
turned that sh*t into burning fire, that changed up my timeline
i met with uv, changed my routine, went through high school half awake
dedication kept my heart alive on notes, and vocal takes
put on persona, promised perfect ending, to the old mistakes
made a project praying that i’d find some help and get some saving
i made open me with thoughts that through the subtleties
it’d be a way to get that hurt on paper, put behind me
listening to “hues” on drop day, feeling like i faked things
a happy ending to a version of myself i’m hating
cause for five years i’ve tried to embody a version of me
didn’t give a f*ck, i lost myself in anger and grief
when who i really am cares about colors and things
that make me feel good, the joy that’s in my voice when i sing
’cause the end of a chapter’s really easy
i needed to go find myself and other people like me
that fake friend told me “why don’t you hate anybody at all?”
i thought ‘why do i need to when it makes some hard songs?’
self identify the person that i was to meet the present
my past tense failed me, all i wanted was respect
uh, my mask was made out of a passion
and now i speak in tongues to keep in line with that old fashion
self identify the bleeding, sheltered little sh*ll
i look into the mirror, sh*t, i see we both need help
uh*uh, uh*uh, i want to heal a little faster
but in the end the way we were requires that time and patience
what’s your real name?
it’s engraved in everything you say, the sh*t you made
we see it clearly, what is hiding through the nicknames
tell me, who is listening when you aren’t saying anything
uh*uh, uh*uh, it’s not that legal name
it’s something deeper, something waiting for a time to sing
for so long it’s been here, now you don’t have to wait
no, it’s so real, it’s all you and now you’re here to stay

saw a friend one night, hangin’ with some other ones and thought
‘it’s been a while’, never thought that call would change it all
i met someone special, who brought me into a phase of my life
that took that final mask off, i see it all clear, bright
ellie played some songs for me, suggested working on the album
turned to something crazy, learned a lot of sh*t from art
so even if it ends this way, i think i’ll always know it’s still a good day

looking at the kid i was, i’ll tell her this
the family she always wanted, was always a step ahead
just hold on, one day you’ll get your happy end
it’s never perfect, but i hope that she would understand
that if i lost the things that i have always wanted now
i’ll be okay, i’ll find my way outta the sh*t, no doubt
i’m standing proud as i can be up at the precipice
come at me with energy, you’ll never break my inner spirit
let ’em hear the sh*t i have to say
you’ll never be the girl that i have turned into today
seeking out forgiveness, then i looked into the mirror maze
i’m happy as can be, f*ck worrying ’bout my future, i’ll just stay
getting on a plane to go to portland, finally had my way
when i saw you running at me, feel like i’m stuck in a dream, hazy
group hugs turned to tears falling down my face
it’s only been a week, but i feel like i’m finally home, saved

it’s thanks to everybody that i met my family
a group of people turned the noise off, finally sees me
i am everything she wanted, make the old me happy
giving her a grand smile, brush her hair gently
i leave the past behind, my hues painted to melodies
feeling through the screen, i’m lifted to reality
i arrive with who i could be, manifested me
now i’m here with who i am, this is my real identity

keep my thoughts zipped, locked, tied inside the body bag
keep my thoughts zipped, locked, tied inside the body bag
keep my thoughts zipped, locked, tied inside the body bag
keep my thoughts zipped, locked, tied inside the body bag
keep my thoughts zipped, locked, tied inside the body bag
keep my thoughts zipped, locked, tied inside the body bag
keep my thoughts zipped, locked, tied inside the body bag
keep my thoughts zipped, locked, tied inside the body bag
keep my thoughts zipped, locked, tied inside the body bag
keep my thoughts zipped, locked, tied inside the body bag
keep my thoughts zipped, locked, tied inside the body bag
keep my thoughts zipped, locked, tied inside the body bag
keep my thoughts zipped, locked, tied inside the body bag
keep my thoughts zipped, locked, tied inside the body bag
keep my thoughts zipped, locked, t**

- polyana usa lyrics

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