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you help me - steve lawrence & robert alda lyrics

[manheim]
[sammy]

[verse 1]
you help me like a burglar helps fort knox
you help me like the foxhunt helps the fox
like molasses candy helps an aching tooth
like a marijuana helps a wayward youth
like if i may blink and kid, you’re john wilkes booth
like mumps, like hives, like five ex*wives
like that * that’s how you help me

[verse 2]
please, mr. manheim, the other jerks * i mean, the other fellas **
they don’t know you’re only kidding!
and i really was trying to help you!

[verse 3]
surе
you help me just like oеdipus helps rex
you help me like oscar wilde helps s*x
like a snake helps baby birds back to their nest
like it helps to find a gun when you’re depressed
like it helps a girl to flunk her rabbit’s test
like gifts that tick, like *rs*nic
like that * that’s how you help me
[verse 4]
i don’t understand, mr. manheim!
you’re the only person who ever paid any attention to me
i had the feeling that, well, when i did something, with you, it sank in!
oh, it sank in?
like knives in backs?
like lizzie borden’s ax?

[verse 5]
now, wait a second, al!
what did you do, give birth to me?
when the h*ll did you ever give me a break?
i owe you what, al, for running my tail off with coffee?
so thanks a lot, pal
for this, i’ll choke up and get sloppy
never mind the burn, now it’s sammy’s turn
i can feel hurt
what am i, dirt?
when i came to you with my first review, did you say, ‘son, very well done!’
now you’ve made it rough, tore upon my stuff
called it lukewarm, summer set warm
thank you for that!
oh, pal, right your hat!
oh, pal, you were a rat!
oh, pal, like shakespeare said, please drop dead!
[verse 6]
ha, ha, ha!
atta boy, sammy, welcome to the honest folks
now i won’t have to listen to that routine about how you’re always trying to help me

[breakdown]
’cause kid, you help me like a burglar helps fort knox
(i owe you what, al, for running my tail off with coffee?)
you help me like the foxhunt helps the fox
(so thanks a lot, pal, for this, i’ll choke up and get sloppy)
like if i may blink and kid, you’re john wilkes booth
(now you’ve made it rough, tore upon my stuff, called it lukewarm, summer set warm)
like mumps, like hives, like five ex*wives
(thank you for that, oh, pal, you are a rat!)
like that * that’s how you help me
oh, pal, his free advice * drop dead twice!

- steve lawrence robert alda lyrics

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