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phoenix - xurbulentt lyrics

my demeanour’s awry, i got tears in my eyes
can’t find peace in my mind, but i’ll be a phoenix in time
don’t you leave me to die, let the bleeding subside
i’ll find peace in my mind

yeah, there’s a monster in my tangled soul, i think it’s satan
feeding off betrayal, when i sin and fail, he awakens
hiding in the light, disguised his face while throwing fuel onto the fireplace of my mistakes
no quiet days, he violates me, i’m in dire straits
i’m sleep dеprived and i plead at night cause i bleed insidе
got many reasons why it’s equanimity i seek to find, my weakened mind
has faith depleting; satan, i just feed him lies, he seems to thrive
i split my soul to pieces repeatedly, meaning he decides my demise
sometimes i’m reckless, wrecking myself, i regret this
destined for h*ll; i’m deceptive, war with myself, without weapons
search for truth and virtue but it hurts me to, i’m burnt and bruised
the shame eats at my brain just like these serpents do and turn the screw
my mental health is fluctuating, understatement, no one asks me ‘what have you been up to lately?’
run away and never give your trust to me, i’m gonna stain it
when i’m relegated to the past, that’s the only thing that’s gonna save me

and lately, i think i’m going insane, nothing’s as potent as pain
i feel atrocious today, watch me erode and decay
i can’t revoke my mistakes, dampened emotions, i pray
they don’t throw stones at my grave, my life; i’ve thrown it away
not overdramatic, i’m feeling sociopathic
i’m all alone on my mattress, no hope, i’m frozen in sadness
without a purpose, i’ve become a recluse
procrastinate the days away and say goodbye to my youth, it’s true
how does it feel to be happy and accepted?
i’m paranoid, restless, struggle to accept it
with no control of my mind, i don’t know what i will do
i feel like taking my life, but i know that would k!ll you
i’m oj back in 08; living life in h*ll
now, i’ve lost every single thing except from life itself
it’s like i’m in my coffin waiting for the final nail
will i ever make it out? only time will tell…
my demeanour’s awry, i got tears in my eyes
can’t find peace in my mind, but i’ll be a phoenix in time
don’t you leave me to die, let the bleeding subside
i’ll find peace in my mind

now i realise a small leak will sink a great ship
can’t be a slave to desires, i will eliminate them
no hitting snooze or i’ll be breeding weakness
like the menendez brothers, i intend to suffer while i’m seeking freedom
i’m tryna navigate my way with all this guilt i’m laced with, with patience
smooth seas don’t make for skilful sailors
so, i’m lifting weights to lift myself, this patience is a gift i’m dealt
18*hour shifts inside this prison cell, no wishing well
it’s karma for my sins so i must serve the sentence, i know the bike will stay in motion as long as i’m pedalling
if i correct my mind the rest will fall in place
i’ll resurrect my mental state and let the lessons resonate
i’m both the marble and the sculptor of this transformation, hands are aching
that’s the price i’m paying for these adaptations
sacrifices made all to abandon mental agitations
back to basics, habits shaping, gradually feel damage fading

used to think i was a victim, i grappled, and i thought i was at the end of my wits in this battle
but if the wind can extinguish a candle, yet strengthen a fire, my mind is either my enemy or friend to admire
nothing’s as potent as pain, yeah it can go both ways
so, i’m confronting the darkness till it no longer remains
and as i soak up the rain, promise i’m fixing myself, i won’t be broken again
now, in the suffering i find a meaning; peace of mind, i strive to keep it
keep in mind the silent evenings, seated, *n*lysing weakness
prior days, deprived of freedom, enslaved by declining feelings
triumphed over tired demons, grateful i’m alive and breathing
scarred from the pain, now look how far that i came
still got a long way to go but from a spark there’s a flame
and it’s ignited, now it’s lighting my way
and all the anger from inside of my brain vanished, transferred to the lines on a page
my therapy is typing all these lyrics like it’s for my journal
re*wiring my source of validation to be all internal
not from getting women in my bed due to bad intentions
i was acting reckless, too dependent on a new connection
craving the acceptance, affirmation and approval, see
i wasn’t understanding just what using them would do to me
but then i put the work in and let go of who i used to be
and truthfully, my head and heart have finally got unity
i made it out the deep end; it was sink or swim, stick or twist
stayed around through thick and thin; focused and meticulous
from tension in the dissonance and living with ambivalence
elicited a vigilance so when i built the discipline, i answered questions
though i’m aware the dark still has a presence, i move on with my scars, the art of acquiescence
and i accept the dark still has a presence, but i move on with my scars, the art of acquiescence

my demeanour’s awry, i got tears in my eyes
can’t find peace in my mind, but i’ll be a phoenix in time
don’t you leave me to die, let the bleeding subside
i’ll find peace in my mind

- xurbulentt lyrics

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