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lirik lagu reminiscent tears – ix fall$

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the following song is not meant to be enjoyed
just close your eyes and listen

[verse 1]
past year
lotta sh*t been goin down in my mind
didn’t feel like bringing it up
i wanted to put it behind
closed doors
close them motherf*ckers shut tight
keep annabelle locked away
and a bell to notify me when the time’s right
never knew when to speak of the sh*t
that be k!lling me on the inside
never had anybody i could tell
because i was afraid of a white lie
shutting me down
tryna prove a point that doesn’t even exist
don’t worry
i have them all memorized
i’ll go down the list:

my momma was off the cigarettes
for over 20 f*cking years
all it took was 2 blunts
and i turned all her trust into tears
nearly went into a coma
didn’t give a sh*t about my anti*depressants
when i saw the way my momma was
i wish i learned my f*cking lesson
that she taught me
which was not to smoke weed
to make friends
just because i was depressed and lonely
didn’t mean that i needed to be dead
didn’t mean i had to find a better way to escape the pain
without talking to people who were there for me whenever i was ashamed
i lost my first ever pet last june
holding him for 5 years
although he didn’t shed any fur
he definitely made me shed tears
when the f*cking results came back
he had cancer in his stomach
i couldn’t f*cking handle it
all my tears could fill buckets
when i had my ear to his chest
as he lay down on his death bed
heart is slowing down
i’m crying waiting for his last breath
and then it was over
he was gone
in the blink of an eye just like that
although his pain went away
all of my pain came back

just months ago i lost my f*cking dad
him and momma weren’t getting along
so they split and left me sad
confused, angry, depressed
obsessed with wanting to cut myself again
i feel like it was all my fault
i feel like i could have been there
to have her back
lost my year and a half relationship
with the person i loved the most
dedicated all i had
but couldn’t fulfill the hole in her heart
of making her my number 1
out of everything i f*cking had
so much on my f*cking mind
i wanna live this through so bad

[chorus]
i want you to give me a reason
why i should still be alive
why i shouldn’t take the easy way out
and live another lie
i thought i could trust everyone that i loved
and doubt myself again
i wanna go back and erase the people
claiming they were here to mend
my heart was
broken, taken and a gift
to people who would need it
didn’t use it on myself
an altruistic eejit
didn’t think i would need it
didn’t think it would put a tattoo
on my arm that i’d regret
an hour after healing
if i was to give advice to
the people that are desperate
just never allow your pessimistic mind*set
to put you in a f*cking casket
[verse 2]
last year of my life
or at least that’s what i planned
felt like my time on earth was over
before it even began
no all of that ain’t true
you’re such a f*cking negative person
never appreciate the help you get
pretending that all of it is worthless
constantly bragging about wanting to die
think it’s gonna make people happy?
of course it is!
the ones that’ll be smiling
will be mommy and daddy
yeah, tryna fake the amount of pain
you put inside of their heart
when the last time they’ll be able to see you
is in your own f*cking coffin

man i don’t know if this is making any sense
whether that be money to feed your family
or a step*back from death
i know your in debt
but that ain’t a reason to complain
because there’s people in pain, that got it worse than you
but you wanna know why they have the strength?
because they grateful for the sh*t they got
never reminisce on the past
hold a grudge for a single moment
don’t need a relationship to last
bet you missed the metaphor
cuz you’re procrastinating on the vast
majority of those who look up to you
and never look back

[chorus]
i think i can finally give a reason
why i should still be alive
to all of the people that were there for me
know i’m sorry for my lie
i want you to know
that i’m in a place where i feel
loved from your affection
gimme a chance to change who i am
and i promise i won’t ignore the message
my heart is
rectified with no more lies
i saw it in my dreams
the surrealism every day became reality
couldn’t get out the f*cking scene
couldn’t let out a f*cking scream
couldn’t drop out of arguments
that had nothing to do with me
if i was to give advice to
the people that are desperate
just never allow your pessimistic mind*set
to put you in a f*cking casket