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lirik lagu 24 (ft. theloniousdump) – sergeant greasemixer

kobe’s a legend
he’s the basketball man
i remember how he used
to throw the ball up from the line
and he would make it every single time
or at least i think so

he had scored a touchdown in a game against the sox
it was the most amazing thing i’d ever seen
in the entire history of recorded sports
he hit home runs every second playing for the chiefs
it was cool as h*ll
but that’s not all

in a heated match between a boxer and a bear
records were shattered that day
when he scored 57 strikes
and no one else has ever topped it since
it was truly godlike

outrunning usain bolt in the boston marathon
is an event that i was personally expecting to see him do and i’m glad that he did
because that means i won 50 smackers that day
all you suckers lost a wad
kobe is life
in his hip hop odyssey he disses biggie smalls
the single went gold in just three days
hit after hit
it seemed that the kobe train couldn’t stop
even if he tried to pull the brakes

in 2005 he created a small company based in the foothills of san bruno california because
he wanted to catch a glimpse of janet jackson’s titties

i would be remiss if i neglected to discuss
kobe’s career as a pilot
in 1969 he landed a craft on the surface of the moon and made a colony

but not before he became the nation’s first black president
he served three terms and then got out of there because he said it was just too easy for someone of his ability

in the civil war he led the south to victory
changed his name to robert lee
middle initial is an e
the best commando that you’ll ever see
you had best believe me

he invented several condiments
including but not limited to
ketchup mustard and mayonnaise
he invented the george foreman grill in disguise
did i mention that in 7000 bc
he invented the dog
just as a challenge
war will break out in kobe’s absence i fear
these are humanity’s last days
i would advise that you prepare
for a nuclear winter of hitherto unseen proportions

all the firstborns will sacrificed
and all the youngest will be sentenced to a lifetime of hard labor in camps for prisoners of war indefinitely
and its all because kobe had to f*cking die
he died for your sins
but do you know

babies having babies
and dogs giving birth to cats
is the new norm in this new world
religious marshal law
has taken over the whole planet and shows no signs of stopping soon

bombs continuously shake the face of the earth to bits and
cannibalism has taken a swift turn up in trends
when
when will this end
i do not know
i just keep the gospel of kobe

in the year 2076
this whole thing
came to an end
i was quite old
but i was waiting for something like this to happen and i’m just glad that it finally did
i had been smart and
built a shelter that kept me safe and when
the smoke had cleared and it was safe for me to go outside i
i had seen
something that blew
something that blew my mind away

ten thousand years into the future it seems
that the world begun anew
and life had finally emerged
so i decided to investigate
what could possibly go wrong?

bones began to creak and shift as i
stepped out of my chair for the
first time in millenia and i shed my human form
as i stepped inside of the robotic exoskeleton
that i designed because i was bored
this is badass

races of highly developed technological mutants welcomed me with open arms
as we triumphantly marched down
to the cybertavern to knock back some e*drinks

eventually i grew bored of the same old shenanigans
day in day out of diatribes i’d seen a thousand times
it’s time for me to stir the pot a bit
i shall preach the prophecy of kobe bryant
i must enlighten them
let’s get to work

late in the night i stumbled into my abode and began searching for the book
but to my shock the kobible had vanished during my period of cryogenic rest

this was the last thing that i wanted to happen but
now it has
i searched all over and i found nothing so i assumed
that
that the book
the book was gone
but how wrong i turned out to be

in an ancient abandoned mcdonalds i found
a faded scrawl
which bore the words

kobe bryant is god and you pagans will burn for your sins eternally in deepest h*ll

first i thought it was
kind of odd that judeo christian moral structures had survived this far into the future but
then
then i realized
then i realzied what this implied

a rudimentary search online revealed
holy wars had broken out
and one was right around the bend
i didn’t know what to think at the time
so i did more research

holy f*cking sh*t i found a quote that i had written in 2020 that links to a pdf copy of the whole kobible
how did even get on the net
i have to find out how deep this rabbit hole goes
what the h*ll have i done

called into action by the words i had penned
i must now evangelize
the world with bullets from my gun
this kobe war is going to be won
i must be the victor

kobe in his infinite splendor
will punish enemy factions by exerting his divine will upon us, his loyal slaves
we will win the war
make no mistake
i am your messiah and we
we must k!ll for our god
now pack the trucks

- sergeant greasemixer

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