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lirik lagu oldest child – the thought

[intro]
i try to never talk about me
try to keep conversations skin deep
i try to never talk about the
vivid imagery that stalks my sleep

[verse 1]
i avoid speaking of the memories that haunt me all day
devoid of freaking everything that flaunt life as okay
the frayed nerves are here to stay
taunted by the leaking thoughts i accidentally say

mentally, every day’s another mission
barely play for b-tches, only play the wishing game
barely muster energy to get from bed to kitchen
witches’ brew of rape and st-tches is where i place the blame

wish to stray from the same, the same old sh-t
being poor, a ways from fame, d-mn i always b-tch
four months no ditching, steady staying in the kitchen
hey, now listen, i’m ready to forfeit the game

portrait of insane, dissociate from the pain
lames laugh back from mirror, negotiate the gains
exfoliate my brain, appearing not to have aged
for someone so self-loathing i seem so f-cking vain

wish i could visit spain
but my wage too low, my rent’s my ball and chain
my bills been running train, and i been stressing out
less is more but rest been less than easy to attain

no doubt i’m troubled, my bouts of bliss i learned to feign
kissed by drought, routed, buckled, turned to flame
subtle struggle, yearn to flee the deathly route
stomp some puddles in the rain til’ red ferns dress my grave
til’ red ferns dress my gra-a-ave…
til’ red ferns dress my grave…

[refrain]
i try to never talk about myself
i try to never talk about my health
i try to never talk about my past
gonna run this race and finish last
i try to never talk about my dad
i never talk of why i’m always sad
i try to never talk about myself
never gonna tell you how it felt

[interlude a]
it burnt, burned me down
down to ashes on the ground
it burnt, burned me down
down to ashes on the ground
it burned, burned me down
cause it burned, burned me down…

[interlude b]
and the rain came falling down… (and put the fire out)
and the rain came falling down… (and put the fire out)
and the rain came falling down… (and put the fire out)
and the rain came falling down…
and the rain came falling down…
and the rain came falling down…
and the rain came falling down…

[verse 2]
rotten to the core, foundational corruption
when at five you’re seeing h-ll, you can’t believe in nothing
not peace, not even heaven, your mind too busy fussing
over whether yet again today, spontaneous combustion

termites to the soul, a light draft could break you down
but god f-cking help you if you let them see you frown
keep your posture straight, mask your proper face
knowing all that waits at home is a four letter noun

i lost my youth to weekly rounds of the cruelest acts
and five years since i left i’m still dueling panic attacks
the urine in my mattress reminds me often of the tax
the toll your actions took on me, the cover-up of facts

i had a knack for lying, but you reinforced that well
to the point where i think back, and i can’t even tell
whether i ever loved another human or if i just said the words
you taught me to, and forced myself to smile

the only clarity remaining in the brain stem you were staining
is the trauma you created when you raped your oldest child
it still hurts to tell the truth, but slowly i’ve been gaining
back my efforts to get from riled up to mild

anger issues haunt my life, anxiety haunts my love
all the while, you’re taunting me with a constant pile
of checks and texts, claiming love for your former b-tch
p-ssed attempts to mend our rift with gifted guilt trips

i miss innocence, now i’m dying, wrapping gyros
all because of your abuse, yet you front like you’re a hero
i never talk about myself, i keep my sorrows quiet
but truth be told, emotion-wise, i’m near about to riot

[outro]
i was a baby when you raped me, and i’m still crying
ever since it started, all i dream about is dying
cause you f-cked, f-cked me up
you f-cked me up in the head, pops

- the thought

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