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lirik lagu bards have all the fun – tom cardy

[tom]
a single flute note is played as the background music begins

[dm, spoken]
on the horizon of this forest path you see a group of dark cloaked figures slowly trudging towards you, what do you do?

[barbarian player, spoken]
my half*orc barbarian braces her greathammer and* rolls dice thats a one

[dm, spoken]
critical fail, steve what do you do?

[steve, spoken]
well i believe in antic*p*tion my rogue would try and hide behind a tree*rolls dice ok i rolled a 1*…

[dm, spoken]
that’s another critical fail, tom what does your human bard do?

[tom, spoken]
small amount of flute notes
active perception check
dice roll

[dm, spoken]
that’s a natural 20…
[tom, spoken, sung]
let’s f*cking go
large amount of flute notes
i feel it in my fingers
snap
i feel it in my toes
flute note
these m*th*f*ckas mean to harm us
and they got to go
so come on, get ‘em now
you picked the wrong day
to f*ck around with my
tight
crew
uh
huh
there’s no escapin’ it!
i can perceive you
here’s what we’re gonna do!
flute notes
me and ma boys gonna mess you up!

[barbarian player, spoken]
i rolled a one

[steve, spoken]
i rolled a one
[tom, sung, spoken]:
f*ck :d!
flute
my boys are otherwise engaged!
so i’m gonna bring it all myself
hey* i forgot, you’re supposed to tell me what i see, right?

[dm, spoken]
yes, thank you let’s just slow it all down a bit
so you notice that one of the cloaked figures is a little shorter*

[tom, spoken, sung]
i cast vicious mockery
dice roll
nat 20! lets go!!
you’re a short m*th*f*cka
and n0body likes you!
flute notes
short!
everybody says
“look how f*cking short that guy is”
and that stops you from forming meaningful relationships!
and when you were born everyone thought that you were just a head
but then the doctor said:
“wait!
this stupid m*th*f*cka tiny short ass baby
got a tiny little itty bitty body and i
hate it.”
[dm, spoken]
your attack lands and absolutely
shatters
the mind of the cloaked figure
perception check, please

[tom, spoken]
dice roll
nat 20
lets go!

[dm, spoken]
you perceive the figure was so short because it was a
child

[tom, spoken]
it’s always a kid

[dm, spoken]
specifically the child you’ve been looking for
for the past 15 days game time
and 5 days of our actual lives!

[tom, spoken]
ok! i’m sorry
i didn’t know, i’ll be better
fu* his body’s just lying there, right?
…
right?

[dm, spoken]
yes?
…don’t*

[tom, sung]
loot that body!
(gotta loot that body now!)
loot that body!
(gotta loot that m*th*f*cka!)
play my flute when i loot that dead kid’s body!
intense flute playing
b*tch!

- tom cardy

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